Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
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COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Made horrible tea.
I bought an iBoat and it’s syncing!
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.