If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.

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Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.


COMPUTER: Enter password

ME: [types ’14days’]

COMPUTER: Your password is two week

ME: Uh?

COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.


“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made horrible tea.


The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song

Van Gogh: here you go


I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.


[Me as a boxing commentator]

ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time


When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.