If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
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My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”