@AnnietheNanny1

If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.

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@ginnyhogan_

someone suggested riding a bike during the pandemic wasn’t safe, as if I wasn’t obviously planning on wearing a condom

@mommy_cusses

Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!

@Spaziotwat

My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.

@DamonHunzeker

“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”

@UnicornSyrup

“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”

@KiayaFaye

I know you seen me continuously push the “close doors” button while you ran to the elevator. Now it’s just awkward

@ShootyDoody

Tell me your dreams and fantasies!

Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.

@JustDontBugMe

Mom: Why didn’t you answer your phone?
M: I was in a lecture.
Mom: Where are you now?
M: Walking the dog.
Mom: You need better excuses.
M: It’s the truth.
Mom: Then put the dog on.

@UncleDuke1969

WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”