If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
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Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
eggs benadryl
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?