@AnnietheNanny1

If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.

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@westofsunday

Stranger:So,you’re a parent?

Me: Yes,proud dad of a 5yo w/ special needs

S:cool, I’m sort of a parent too, 2 dogs and a cat

Me:…. Nope

@ShootyDoody

You know how I know society sets us up to fail?

Roombas only work if your house is already clean.

@knot_eye

This bottle of vodka was on sale.

So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.

@AndrewsNotFunny

I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs

@InternetHippo

ah yes, halloween. the scary day. the day when everything is terrifying. unlike the other normal days of this year

@UncleDuke1969

There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.

@LilyRoseLynn

I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”

@WheelTod

My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.