If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.

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Stranger:So,you’re a parent?

Me: Yes,proud dad of a 5yo w/ special needs

S:cool, I’m sort of a parent too, 2 dogs and a cat

Me:…. Nope


You know how I know society sets us up to fail?

Roombas only work if your house is already clean.


This bottle of vodka was on sale.

So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.


I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs


ah yes, halloween. the scary day. the day when everything is terrifying. unlike the other normal days of this year


There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.


I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”


My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.