If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.

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someone suggested riding a bike during the pandemic wasn’t safe, as if I wasn’t obviously planning on wearing a condom


Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!


My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.


“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”


“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”


I know you seen me continuously push the “close doors” button while you ran to the elevator. Now it’s just awkward


Tell me your dreams and fantasies!

Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.


Mom: Why didn’t you answer your phone?
M: I was in a lecture.
Mom: Where are you now?
M: Walking the dog.
Mom: You need better excuses.
M: It’s the truth.
Mom: Then put the dog on.


WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”