If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
You Might Also Like
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.