If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
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People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
This could be us but you eatin’
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
oh u like geography? name every lake
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something