Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@dieworkwear

I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?

@AbbieEvansXO

yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist

@AlexvanBeek

Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep

Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation

@gossipbabies

Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n

@_Bankrobber_

“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.

@randomapeig

Cop: seen anything unusual?

Me: a dolphin with a hat once

Cop: I mean around here

Me: nah they live in water

@Ideal_Victoria

I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.

@LizHackett

Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.

@ilovepie84

They say rabbits don’t have glasses because they eat carrots. They also don’t have thumbs. I like my thumbs so i don’t eat carrots.

@T_N_Crumpets

[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]