If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
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How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.