If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

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I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?


yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist


Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep

Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation


Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n


“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.


Cop: seen anything unusual?

Me: a dolphin with a hat once

Cop: I mean around here

Me: nah they live in water


I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.


Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.


They say rabbits don’t have glasses because they eat carrots. They also don’t have thumbs. I like my thumbs so i don’t eat carrots.


Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]