@FilthyRichmond

If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

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@robknepper

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.

@itsfineimfinepd

The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?

@VerifiedDrunk

God is everywhere and knows everything? God sounds a lot like my ex-wife.

@AsgardianRose

Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.

@christinaloca

Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.

@MariyaAlexander

[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment

@junejuly12

Him: How was your day?

Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?

Him: *opens four bottles of wine*

@themiltron

humans: we’re gonna eat you
chicken: shit, i guess i better lay some eggs to further the species
humans: cool, we’ll eat those too

@sliver_of

Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?

@WheelTod

A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.