If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
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ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
#math
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.