If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
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STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!