If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
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me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.