If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
You Might Also Like
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.