If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
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I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job