If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
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daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?