Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.

The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.

I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.

I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.

2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets

The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me

Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.

For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.

Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that

[grocery store]

Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this

Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him

My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no

[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is

when the doctor brings med students into your exam

Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.

Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.

People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.

I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me

I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.

Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?

A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’

Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here

I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!

For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”

what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy

“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”

-my excuse for everything

Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?

I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.

My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.

2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.

Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.

what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect