@sickipediabot

If you’re one in a million, there are more than 7,000 of you.

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@markleggett

If you accept small grammatical errors, decent society collapses and then everyone starts marrying dogs. That’s what happened to Australia.

@dumbbeezie

Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them

@aaronneedshelp

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

@TheDailySchmuck

Damn, girl, are you Terms and Conditions? Because I just want to blindly agree to whatever you say.

@WilliamAder

We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.

@DurtMcHurtt

I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.

@daddydoubts

New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?

Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.

@LostFelicia

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.

@Ygrene

[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!

@ThugRaccoons

Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain

The Sun: What’s his deal?

The Rain: Weird

The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know