If you’re one in a million, there are more than 7,000 of you.

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If you accept small grammatical errors, decent society collapses and then everyone starts marrying dogs. That’s what happened to Australia.


Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them


were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal


Damn, girl, are you Terms and Conditions? Because I just want to blindly agree to whatever you say.


We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.


I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.


New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?

Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.


And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.


[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!


Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain

The Sun: What’s his deal?

The Rain: Weird

The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know