If you’re one in a million, there are more than 7,000 of you.

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No matter how adorable you think your young son is, it’s best you not refer to him as a “lady killer”, it might end up being true.


Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s


MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.


I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”


(staying in on a friday night) this is depressing and lonely

(at a bar on a friday night) oh wow i hate this more


WAITER: can i take your order?
HER: *looks at lobster tank* i’ll take that one
ME: *looks out window* i’ll take that pigeon


I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.


All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.


*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*

What are you doing!?

W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here