My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
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ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.