If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
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Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
2022 will be better than 2021
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
me working on my assignments ^-^
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.