If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
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I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
tourist season
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.