If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
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You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there