A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
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It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Forgive me Twitter for I have sinned, it’s been twenty minutes since my last Tweet.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
actually im ok with this
My jelly donut didn’t have any jelly in it, so I don’t want to hear about your trivial issues.