@bridger_w

If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek

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@DaddyJew

Interviewer: what interests you about this job?

Me: the pay

Interviewer: can you be more specific?

Me: cash

@Book_Krazy

Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.

In that case, silence is very very suspicious!

@FredTaming

[ first date ]

her: i want a partner that can open my heart

me: well i am a surge-

her: and never do anything to shock me

me: protector

@ninjadinosaur1

Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.

@KalvinMacleod

HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*

@Kennedydp5

Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Why is your bio written in English but your tweets written in spaghetti?

@scorpicpanda

5: “I went to Banana Land. The bananas danced & had flowers & tiny pandas on their heads.”

Me: “I’ll have whatever that kid’s having.”