@bridger_w

If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek

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@DaddyJew

Judge: how do you plead?

Guy: well usually to my wife

Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant

@AddledPixie

I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.

@AbbieEvansXO

Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?

Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok

@sixfootcandy

Husband: You want to have sex?

Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.

Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.

Me:

@Brianhopecomedy

2 year old runs naked down the street.

“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”

I run naked down the street.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

@Tacet_no_more

I wonder if anyone being chased by a bear has ever tried just turning around and saying in a really stern voice “NO…Bad Bear”?

@mommajessiec

6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?

Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.

@mynameisntdave

MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*

ME: that supposed to intimidate me?

*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*

ME: k I’m scared but thats rad

@keyboredest

Frankly auto correct, I’m getting really tired of your shirt.

@Nocturnesthesia

Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid