Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
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Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
If my calculations are correct, then someone else did them for me.
Why is your bio written in English but your tweets written in spaghetti?
5: “I went to Banana Land. The bananas danced & had flowers & tiny pandas on their heads.”
Me: “I’ll have whatever that kid’s having.”