@bridger_w

If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek

You Might Also Like

@dreamthievin

A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.

@pixelatedboat

It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors

@PlainTravis

I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.

@ryaninco

Forgive me Twitter for I have sinned, it’s been twenty minutes since my last Tweet.

@EndhooS

Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire

Wife: what really happened?

Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour

@aka_fatman

“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.

@Jake_Vig

ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…

SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.

@TomSchally

It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.

@yeaanotherchris

My jelly donut didn’t have any jelly in it, so I don’t want to hear about your trivial issues.