if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
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I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
I’m a bad influence on myself.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.