Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”

*Every other site goes down*

“Guess who’s back…back again.”

Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.

Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.

How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?

I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.

*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*

*Picks broccoli out while eating it*

[blind date]

HER: I love sports!

ME: Uh…me too

HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass

ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth

I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.

I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write

[riding crowded elevator]

Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make

Jeez Louise: five

“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED

Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..

ㅤ

[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]

Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32

Me: shit

I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore

Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.

I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me

My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅

[Lounging in hot tub]

Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”

Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”

Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*

Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.

ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!

ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?

Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!

Priest: This is communion…

M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-

P: Leave.

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

Stephen King ruined corn children for me

Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out

Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?

I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me

She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.