ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
If you’re reading this fortune cookie, I am being held at the Golden Dragon Dumpling Outlet against my will. Send help.
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When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Me: You into role playing?
Her: Kinky, what do you have in mind?
Me: You fake a heart attack and we get our meal for free.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*