@Losephine

If you’re reading this fortune cookie, I am being held at the Golden Dragon Dumpling Outlet against my will. Send help.

If you’re reading this fortune cookie, I am being held at the Golden Dragon Dumpling Outlet against my will. Send help.

- @Losephine

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I walked out naked one time and she’s like wtf. And I’m like this is how god made me! And she’s like no that’s how beer and tacos made you.

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Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!

4-year-old:

2-year-old:

4-year-old:

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@Dirty_Naomi

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@shawn_spree

I paid 10.50 for a movie ticket to watch Tom Cruise die continuously for 2 hours. I would have paid a hundred dollars to watch that.

@juneohara65

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@Marlebean

My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.

@YuckyTom

me: h—

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