@Losephine

If you’re reading this fortune cookie, I am being held at the Golden Dragon Dumpling Outlet against my will. Send help.

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@RedRegenerated

ME: What’s that on your wrist?

CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.

ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*

CW: That’s just a regular watch.

ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.

@danozzi

When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.

@iwearaonesie

“are you drunk?”

– everyone’s response when i send a nice text

@PinkCamoTO

Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.

@fro_vo

the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps

@david8hughes

Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great

@thatUPSdude

[first date]

Me: You into role playing?

Her: Kinky, what do you have in mind?

Me: You fake a heart attack and we get our meal for free.

@Browtweaten

carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?

ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it

@neiltyson

If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.

@CAshmanActor

Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’

*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*