If you’re reading this fortune cookie, I am being held at the Golden Dragon Dumpling Outlet against my will. Send help.

You Might Also Like


ME: What’s that on your wrist?

CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.

ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*

CW: That’s just a regular watch.

ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.


When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.


“are you drunk?”

– everyone’s response when i send a nice text


Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.


the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps


Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great


[first date]

Me: You into role playing?

Her: Kinky, what do you have in mind?

Me: You fake a heart attack and we get our meal for free.


carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?

ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it


If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.


Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’

*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*