“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
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PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
How dramatic are you?
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Every time.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.