always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
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Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.