If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
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[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Guilty! 🤪
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours