@ParanormalQueer

If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.

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@turtledumplin

Someone on my FB posted a snap that said “I’m boared”

And I’m just like…….
*don’t comment
*don’t comment
*don’t comment
*don’t comment

@dafloydsta

I have good and bad news

WIFE: Bad news first

We need a new front door

WIFE: And the good news?

[points to Monster Truck in living room]

@NotTodayEric

Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

@justabloodygame

[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”

@NomDeBenoit

Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?

Aaaaaand tweet.

@NJFreudian

Sorry I called you a drunk, but in my defense, I didn’t think you’d remember.

@joshgondelman

Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.

@not_delicate

Brings a loaf of bread to your knife fight because, work smarter not harder amirite?

@TheToddWilliams

[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!