If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
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“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
that wasn’t the question
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.