@OfficeofSteve

If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills

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@AndyAsAdjective

[spelling bee]

your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’

“can you use it in a sentence?”

yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’

@delusions_of

I wish when someone called me my phone had an “Accept”, “Decline” and “Send Electric Shock” option.

@NotEthanSmith_

Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?

Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault

@fro_vo

Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down

@XplodingUnicorn

[watching “Cinderella”]

5-year-old: Why does she keep cleaning the floors?

Me: Her stepsisters make her.

5: She should just buy a Roomba.

@MarfSalvador

[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!

Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*

GF: What are you doing?

Me: Making myself look big

Bear: Well hi

@JaneBadall

I’ve set my hair on fire lighting a cigarette before, so I’m always impressed when the movie-hero walks away from an explosion unharmed.

@DaHess1

Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus.

@jenlaw_11

Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you

@iwearaonesie

*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*