If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
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Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN