If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
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“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*