your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
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My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.