If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
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Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…