My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
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pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
I be having a mini heart attack when I almost send a screenshot to the person I screenshoted
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Me: [totally dry monotone voice] I’m gonna get my mojo back
Mojo: still no
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…