@roxiqt

If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.

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@TweetsByTheTony

Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.

@Darlainky

I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.

@tsm560

I don’t have a problem admitting when I’m wrong. It just hasn’t happened yet.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[at the bar]

Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!

Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol

@MattTheBrand

twitter has ruined me i was at a pumpkin carving party and everybody was talking about removing the guts from their pumpkins and i blurted out “pumpkins b like rearrange my GUTS daddy” and nobody laughed

@rockstarfish

Today, coworker deemed herself “unscareable”. Now I have no choice but to hide in the backseat of her car with an axe & correct her grammar.

@sarcasm_inc

Batman pushes a batcuffed Joker thru the crowd.
“Look! Hahaha!” yells the Joker.
Batman glances up at the jumbotron.
GODDAMN the kiss cam.

@hell_doe

roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do

@ahumanfireball

A perk of being in your thirties is waking up injured because you slept in a slightly different way than usual.

@Scigglez

Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.