Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
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I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
I don’t have a problem admitting when I’m wrong. It just hasn’t happened yet.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
twitter has ruined me i was at a pumpkin carving party and everybody was talking about removing the guts from their pumpkins and i blurted out “pumpkins b like rearrange my GUTS daddy” and nobody laughed
Today, coworker deemed herself “unscareable”. Now I have no choice but to hide in the backseat of her car with an axe & correct her grammar.
Batman pushes a batcuffed Joker thru the crowd.
“Look! Hahaha!” yells the Joker.
Batman glances up at the jumbotron.
GODDAMN the kiss cam.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
A perk of being in your thirties is waking up injured because you slept in a slightly different way than usual.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.