We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
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Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Skills
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Anime is real
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!