So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
You Might Also Like
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit