If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
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ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
why no one uses midhusbands
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood