If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
You Might Also Like
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
What number SPF blocks people?
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”