@Hormonella

If you’re stupid enough to start a massive fire with a “gender reveal” explosion, you should name the child Arson.

You Might Also Like

@SteveSuckington

First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]

Her: do you come here often?

Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*

@TheAndrewNadeau

LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.

DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?

@Jarhead44

I’ll give you 10 seconds to take back what you said about my wind chimes.

@AsgardianRose

In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.

@CulturedRuffian

* on a date snuggling *

Me: Did you enjoy dinner?

Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.

Me: Get your hands off my belly.

@

a:1:{s:7:”retweet”;i:1;}

@ObscureGent

What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?

@AimeeHelene1

Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.