[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]
Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
If you’re stupid enough to start a massive fire with a “gender reveal” explosion, you should name the child Arson.
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“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
I’ll give you 10 seconds to take back what you said about my wind chimes.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.