If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
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Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.