Kids today have it so easy. All you have to do to regain your full health is not fight anyone for a while. In my day we had to go punch a trashcan in the street in the hopes of revealing a whole roast chicken we could eat to heal our wounds
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
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5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Son, that bear is more afraid of you than you are of … oh wow, that bear is being really brave right now.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.