If you’re testing me, we failed.
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Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
S/o to @funTweeters .
ok hear me out: Luigiana
me and my fake scenarios
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?