@FuckabillyRex

If you’re the kinda person that gets antsy when people stand on an escalator instead of walking, try a blood curdling scream, they’ll move.

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@thepaulahunt

I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.

@Jake_Vig

The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.

@mrtruthandsoul

I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones

@UnFitz

You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.

@mrjohndarby

[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese

@CruisinSoozan

While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.