Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
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It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
english majors be like furthermore
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly