If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
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I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
X-tra spooky blend
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.