I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
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[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.