If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
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Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.