@bazecraze

If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.

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@Darlainky

The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.

@envydatropic

I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience

@NewDadNotes

[Toddler 911]

911: what’s your emergency?

Son: it’s naptime.

911: have you tried stalling?

Son: I asked for water.

911: and your favorite stuffed animal?

Son: yep.

911: that toy you shoved under the couch?

Son: they don’t know where that’s at.

911: perfect. ask for that.

@JElvisWeinstein

People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.

@Parentpains

Sorry I can’t attend your Facebook event, I’ll be busy throwing myself off a cliff that day.

@TheRealNickKay

*LIGHTHOUSE*

BATMAN – You call?

L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.

BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?

LK -*Nods*

@boring_as_heck

Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.