John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
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The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Therapist: ?? ?? ???
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Sorry I can’t attend your Facebook event, I’ll be busy throwing myself off a cliff that day.
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
My phone never asks me to put my husband down.