@bazecraze

If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.

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@omgshuddup

*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*

Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!

@Discourt

I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.

@_Kim_Jongun

My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.

But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.

I’m not telling.

Checkmate.

@Jayden_Bryce

Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.

@sixfootcandy

My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.

@IvoryGazelle

CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History

CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?

CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour

@writersdream

Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.

@B1gBrainsMcGee

Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35

@Aflgirl126

I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice

@Notoliviasteel

I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest