if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
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My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?