if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
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Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!