If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
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Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?