Never tip a cow more than 15%.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
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*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
I want to lose some weight but I love food & hate exercise. I’m really stuck between a rock & a fat place here.
Last year I joined a support group for antisocial people.we haven’t met yet.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store