If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
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Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.