If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
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It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.