Pee pressure > peer pressure
If you’re under 130 lbs and call yourself fat I’m sending all my actual fat friends to eat you.
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Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Phone rang for the 1st time in 4 months. My reaction was similar to finding a dead mouse on my porch. I circled it & poked it with a stick.
I don’t see enough dead people.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
At confession today I felt like I could finally breathe, until the priest told me to put my clothes back on.
If women do the splits, do men do the banana splits?