@QueenBbecT

If you’re under 130 lbs and call yourself fat I’m sending all my actual fat friends to eat you.

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@simoncholland

Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.

@girl_a_whirl

My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.

@elle91

Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.

@taitutu

Phone rang for the 1st time in 4 months. My reaction was similar to finding a dead mouse on my porch. I circled it & poked it with a stick.

@lazerdoov

*bursts into a bank*

EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME

@Queen_Sassy_AF

At confession today I felt like I could finally breathe, until the priest told me to put my clothes back on.