IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
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ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
This could be us… but you playing
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands