If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
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Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
the last thing a carrot sees
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™