No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
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If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!